Another rant - sorry

I watched Chris Ryan’s Terror Alert – Could you survive? last night.

What a heap of shit.

Last night’s programme was all about how to survive in a mass blackout, it was full of half-truths, some good advice and some absolutely terrible advice.

For instance, they had an, “Urban survival expert” who would have fitted in to the cast of Spaced quite nicely. First off he was advising us on what we should store in our homes….

“Get a hexiburner stove and a heat-proof tile to cook off, if you don’t have a heat-proof tile then you’ll burn your carpets, I’ve burnt mine several times.”

For one thing, hexiburner stoves are shit, and definitely not to be used indoors. They give off acrid smoke because the hexiblocks are diesel soaked firelighters on a metal base. They’ll put a nasty soot on the bottom of your pans (that you’ll want to use again when the power comes back on) and they’ll set off your battery powered smoke alarms in seconds! The fact that this “expert” has used them indoors more than once doesn’t fill me with confidence. Don’t use hexi-blocks indoors, ever. Promise me.

In fact, hexiburner stoves are so shit, I can’t even find an online store that still sells them, including Silvermans – the UK’s largest army surplus supplier! I’d much rather store and use a gas camping stove, but maybe that is just me? I still have a hexiburner knocking about from the days when I had to use them, along with some puritabs and non-dairy whitener - hmmm, diesel + chlorine + plastic shite flavour tea... but it is strictly kept to remince over! The hexiburner's only saving grace is that it is light and compact - not two features that would bother you if you're in your home.

This "expert" then went into a grocery shop to point out what we should take when we raid the place.

“Leave the biscuits, they go off to quickly, leave the perishables go for the tins!”

He ignored all the bottles of water, cans of soft drinks etc.

Biscuits last for months – we’ll have power back within a week! There was also no mention of not taking chances with food, as dioherria or food poisoning could be fatal if the NHS is over-stretched.

After that twit was done embarrassing himself, I switched over to the Sopranos – safe in the knowledge that my flat is better prepared than most, joy!